Saturday, June 1, 2013

Operation:Online Dating Status:Fail

Being 31, Mormon and single in Utah is a predicament.

I'm happy, I have a good life, I laugh a lot, I'm independent...but in most people's minds, I'm pretty much menopausal. 

So of course, people set me up, make dating suggestions, and try their best to help me find that special someone, which I get and I actually really appreciate. I think it's sweet that people want the best for me and want to help me find a great guy.

One repeated suggestion has been online dating, which I have resisted even more than I resisted stir fry as a child. But I finally decided to give it a go. I committed to trying it for a month, just to give it a fair shot, and to see if all my preconceived notions about it were wrong.

They weren't.

I'd heard so many success stories, but I think they were mostly lies. 

Two days in, I was ready to call it quits, but I'd made a commitment so I stuck with it. Luckily, this provided me ample opportunity to grab hilarious screen shots of real life emails, photos and propositions I received whilst experiencing this less-than-ideal dating option.

Please enjoy the following scientific proof that online dating is a horrible idea 90% (but really 100%) of the time.

I just threw up in my mouth again after re-reading this. Really, interesting8012? I think you should change your screen name to creepyfeet86. Please, men 'round the world--don't use the word 'fetish' when you first approach a woman. Or ever. Lets just say never.

This one is weird on so many levels it's hard to know where to start. Either this guy is on a major coke binge or just born creepy. I mean, this doesn't even make sense. Is the reason I wouldn't work because you don't ever wear shirts? I'm confused.

Here's part of his bio page, and his shirtless selfie mirror pic.

Is 'shamanic crystal healer' code for 'meth dealer'? Why am I even asking, the answer is definitely yes.

And judging from his facial expression in the shirtless selfie, he's pretty stoked on what's happening. Sometimes guys have ONLY mirror selfie pics and I wonder, do they have any friends?

Moving on to art. Some people keep it simple with photos, others like to show their more creative side. Take this guy, for example. In spite of what you may think, these are not the drawings of a tween. They are indeed those of a grown ass man.

Disturbingly sad stuffed animal in corner? Check. Teenage Mutant Ninja Awesome? Check Check.

And in true hipster form, this next guy gets the award for trying WAYYYYYYYY too hard. Well done, furry hat.

Next up, women. Yep. You heard me. 

On two separate occasions, in spite of my profile proclaiming that I'm straight and into MEN, I was contacted by women. It's my first time being invited to swing. I'll be honest, it creeped me out. A lot. But apparently ok cupid thought we were a 20% match so...I guess maybe I should have given her the time of day? Oh wait, that's right, putting my love life in the hypothetical hands of a matchmaking robot is a bad idea. Always.

And last but not least, a few more classic screen shots of contenders that I couldn't resist showing you. I don't think they need an explanation. Except for maybe that last one. I don't know why, but I get the feeling he has a chip on his shoulder.

All in all, I'm glad I tried it, but it just reinforced my feelings about meeting someone online. You'll occasionally get the random nice, normal guy after sifting through buckets of weirdos. But call me old fashioned--I think the best way to meet someone is organically. In person. For realsies.


Clint said...

Wow, just wow. Although the last guy looks decent. You don't put up with bitchy women either so I don't know if you can really hold that against him. :)

I do not miss dating one bit. Although I've never felt like you wanted to/or were ready to "settle down". I think it gets harder as you get older. We get set in our ways, and certainly we don't "need" someone else to be happy. I think another issue is that we are way less flexible and tolerating of others(relationship wise) as we age. I've been married for 3 years now, and it has ups and downs just like relationships are before your married. Anyway, you don't need someone else to be happy, but I absolutely have loved being married.

FWIW I met my wife when I as 31 and got married 2 years later, so maybe this is your year. :)

Jay and Heath said...

Haha! Wow! I don't know what you're talking about, these boys seem amazing!! ;) I love you Mikers! Hope you can make it to AZ!! Xoxo Heath

Unstoppable Lindsey said...

I have no words....really...none.