Treat her right, ya'll

Recently I re-joined the ranks of SLC singles, so I thought for this post I'd find white trash break-up stories or something equally as funny to help with the breakup blues. Instead, I remembered that Mother's Day is coming up, and my friend Kim Frost sent me a truly touching video a few years back that really captures the essence of cherishing our dear mothers. It involves Mr. T, three soccer-mom backup singers, and a slew of horrible acting. Please enjoy viewing this fine production here:



So move over breakup blues. There's no room for sadness as I watch Mr T rap lyrics like, "Mothas. There are no othas."

Well said, Mr. T. Well said.

Just because. I needed something ridiculously cute to look at today. Thanks for the link, Ali!

Hangin' Out in Vegas

The girls and I decided to take a trip to Vegas last September, and just today I received a copy of a cherished photo from that trip. I thought you'd all want to share in this moment of dry heaving with me.

Picture this: four 20-something women, walking down the strip after a long and tiresome day of shopping. Battling the crowds, we made our way back the hotel. But before we reached our final destination, we got a special surprise. There, amidst the chaos, colors and street performers, we saw him. Bare Ass Man. Bass Man for short.

Bass man was leaned up against a railing on the sidewalk, his clothes tattered and worn. Suddenly, upon second glance, we noticed it; his ass. His bare ass. Hanging out of a giant hole in the back of his jeans.


Bass man seemed not to notice or care that his entire back side (and the fact that he doesn't wear underwear) was exposed. He was the antithesis to a never nude, as shown here by Tobias Funke.



Thanks to Lynze Wardle's expert photo skills for so elegantly capturing this Bass Man moment.

The Heat is On

It's recently been brought to my attention that this Friday, April 4th, 2008, will mark the best halftime show in the history of Utah Jazz basketball games: Weiner Dog Racing.

That's right, only a few days from now tiny weiner dogs will run full speed across the court for a chance to win big. I'm not really sure what it is they will win; all I know is that I will be there to witness it.

If I had a weiner dog I would probably race it using one of these 'wein-o-racers', as they are called. It reminds me of head gear, and I really, really wish I could see this thing in action. Really.

Toilet Trivia

Now, we've all been there. Those moments when nature calls, and we are bound to the bathroom for extended periods of time. Five mintues, 10 minutes...maybe even half an hour. But two years? Now that's just gross.

But two years was the reality for one Kansas woman who was recently found attached to her boyfriend's toilet after sitting on it for two years straight. Attached---as in, her skin had grown over the thing.

Apparently after her boyfriend brought her food and water daily for two years, he finally called the police and said, 'I think there's something wrong with my girlfriend.' Wow.

So why did he wait two years? I have my speculations. Part of me thinks it's one of those back-woods bragging rights things. Like, at their next BBQ, between bouts of drunkeness and discussions of the latest monster-truck rally, toilet-woman's boyfriend pipes up with something like,

'Hey man, check this out--my woman sat on ma toilet fer so long her ass done got attached to it. Like some kind of alien-ass-toilet thing. I aint shittin' ya, man--and I got the photos to prove it.'

OR maybe he held out in hopes that it would make for a good story to tell their kids.

'Hey baby, 'member that one time when you was on the toilet so long your ass grew 'round it? Now that's commitment, kids--you remember that.'

I guess I can't really understand why he didn't do something sooner, or how exactly she managed to sit like that for two years. But if she really wanted to do it, she should have thought about some better options.

She could have used a double-wide toilet to go with the trailer. That way she and her boyfriend could have had quality time together while she worked on becoming one with the toilet.











Or she could have at least been productive while on her toilet journey. Think of the millions she could have made trading stocks online.

















And last but not least, the best option for Toilet-Seat-Ass-Growers on the go. The TSAG seat (pronounced 'sag').















Check out the actual article. Straight-up creepy. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,337232,00.html

Disclaimer: The fact that this happened in Kansas does not in any way reflect how all Kansans act (i.e. me).

Happy Dog

My brother, Trent, travels the world for his work. He's lived all over and seen a lot of cool things. To be honest, I am green with envy. While I sit at my desk and stare at the computer all day long, he's exploring places like Pataya, Thailand, hanging out with the likes of this obese weener dog.

Now, I'm not even sure it's a weener dog...but it looks like a giant, ridiculously-overweight version of one. It's sad, cute, funny and weird all rolled into one.

Trent fed him a hot dog and dubbed him the 'happiest dog in the world' since all he does is sit in the cafe and eat. I thought this picture might help you get through your Monday afternoon...at your computer. Ugh.

What do you get when you dress a weener dog up like a giraffe? Well, this.

Those of you who know me know that I am obsessed with weener dogs. I mean, what other dog looks this funny dressed up? And have you seen a weener dog run at full speed? Forget about it. There's nothing funnier.

Just thought I'd pass this along...anyone else got any funny dog-in-costume shots?

So, last night I was privileged to watch 'King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters', a documentary about the battle for the title of Donkey Kong World Champion.

I'm sure most of you have seen this by now and have already died laughing at the gaming-nerd idiosyncrasies displayed shamelessly throughout the flick ('There's a possible kill screen coming up if you want to see this!'). Who could forget characters like the guy who discovered fingerless weight-lifting gloves in the 80s and never stopped wearing them to protect from joy-stick calluses? And you probably had to hold your side when Billy Mitchel, the reigning world champion of Donkey Kong, compared his issues in the gaming industry to abortion issues and compared himself to God.

In an interview I found that was conducted by a guy named Pete Freedman, he asked Mitchell about his other world title, that of 'Pac Man World Champion'. Mitchell relayed the events that ensued upon claiming the title, which involved an appearance on an Asian game show where he was 'flanked' by security guards when escorted to the stage. His quote regarding the event is classic.I

"It was like rock star status," Mitchell said. "I felt like George Bush."

Excuse me? I don't think I have the words to describe how hard that made me laugh. But, in an effort to make YOU laugh, here's a clip from an interview with Bobby. Again, classic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0kNMGtub30

If you haven't yet checked out this film, I highly recommend it. Hilarious.

Bad PDA, Good Photo Opp

As a society, there are dos and don'ts. Here's a big don't. It's an even bigger don't if you happen to be sitting this way in a crowded airport termainal, loudly discussing the sexual positions you tried on your honeymoon with you new spouse. True story. Sick and wrong, but true. Thank goodness for cell phone cameras...this shot is compliments of my sister.

Prom-tastic

There are times in life when you get so bored you think, "We should throw an 80s prom at our house." That time came and went Feb. 8th when I and about 75 others took a trip down memory lane with puffy sleeves, skinny ties, and of course, ankle boots.


Words can't really describe how hilarious the night was for me. The music was fantastic, everyone got busy on the dance floor in their rad get-ups, and to top it off, one guy wore a metallic gold, turtleneck Dickie. I was unaware, up to that point, that those were ever even manufactured.

In spite of the Dickie, he didn't win prom King. That went to the Miami-vice clad Dallas Browning, who apparently spent hours at DI and Target searching for just the right ensemble. And man did it pay off. He and his Queen, Bryn Arnell, took a turn dancing in the spotlight as prom royalty.

All in all, I think everyone had a good time and went home happy with a group shot to remember the night by (compliments of Dallas Graham, prom photographer). And I think I learned a really important lesson that night: no matter how tight-fitting or black a dress it, it will never look chic (or even good) with waist ruffles.